I have always been confident in the decisions that I made (for the most part) and have been able to strategically and creatively tackle anything that I am faced with. While the road I have journeyed down has had its share of bumps, I honestly wouldn't change it for the world as each new experience has shaped who I am and got me to where I am today. I try not to think about the 'what ifs' or doubt the decisions that I have made, but embrace them and look ahead.
Then I became a mom... and that all went out the window. Never before have I had so much doubt than I do now as a mom. Every day I make decisions that not only affect me, but also Z and I find myself constantly wondering if I made the right choice.
My day is filled with questions and second guessing: Is Z getting enough iron? Are we feeding her the right types of food? Does she get enough variety? How do I get Z to sleep? Is it ok to let her cry it out or rock her to sleep? Is she in pain? Are her teeth bugging her? Am I interacting with Z enough/not enough? Are we doing the right things to help Z learn how to talk? What toys are best for her development? Does she spend enough time socializing with other babies? Am I a good mom...and the list goes on.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am living outside of my element and am constantly wondering if the choices I have made are right and if I am setting Z up for success. With the wealth of information out there (and everyone wanting to give you advice about what you should be doing) it is so easy to doubt every decision that you make. That's a lot of pressure, especially when this little person is relying on you to start them off and heading in the right direction.
Z is 10 months old this week (where did the time go?!) and while I know I will continue to doubt decisions that I make for many years to come, I am trying to find that confidence from my old life. The confidence to feel good about the decisions that we are making for Z and to second guess just a little less. The confidence to know that we are always doing what we feel is in the best interest of Z and in line with our values as a family. When in doubt I need to listen to my gut a little more and know that deep down no matter what choices we make Z is going to turn out all right because they are rooted in love. If nothing else, we want Z to always know how much she is loved and how lucky we are to have her in our life - that is something that no one can ever doubt.